Movember

#Movember 17th: I was asked yesterday if I am concerned about being stigmatized myself for going public with my personal story of depression. Great question. The short answer is – of course. We are making progress on stigma but it exists. It’s real. It can play into people’s perceptions and decisions which could affect my career going forward. I recently read a study in Canada where out of the 541 English speaking respondents, more than a third admitted to holding stigmatizing views of mental health issues in men. A couple of the views held included not voting for a man who admitted having depression and that men with depression are dangerous. Whoa! And MEN were more likely to have this opinion than women. So am I concerned about this? I would have to be. But it is this very reason that I am sharing my experiences. With all the stats, suicide rates and poor coping strategies that we choose, there is still precious little being done to address the situation for men. That needs to change. Men are killing themselves. Suicide is one way to do that. Another way is our unhealthy lifestyles that can exist as we try to cope with stress, depression and anxiety. We drink too much, smoke too much and as I know – eat too much. Heart disease is the number one killer of men, not to mention diabetes and high blood pressure. In fact, with the level of heart disease I discovered I have – I am lucky to be writing these posts. I could just as easily have been a statistic. There is a reason why men die four years younger than women. When we avoid problems, they get worse. Mental health is no different and we make matters worse by trying to deal with everything ourselves. But so many of us suffer in silence due to this stigma. We need more education, we need to come together as men and stop stigmatizing ourselves. We need to do this in order to get the programs and services we need to get better outcomes for us – and our boys. They are watching. They are learning. They are following our examples. I decided when I had my heart attack that being concerned about what some people think is far outweighed by setting an example that will help so many lonely men reach out. Stigma be damned. I am sharing my story in the hopes that – and I hope this is never the case – that if my son ever needs to reach out for help, he can say – I remember Dad opening up about this. It is ok to get help. If we don’t come together as men and lead by example we are dooming our boys to the same lonely fate so many succumb to today. And that is simply not good enough. Stigma kept me from talking about it for long enough so it’s time to realize #ItsNotYouItsDepression

#30DaysofDepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy

Supporting someone with depression is not easy. I mentioned in a previous post that we often say ‘if you know someone struggling reach out’. Sound advice but we may not always recognize the symptoms. And for someone with depression that in itself can be frustrating. How can you not know what I am going through and how I feel? Not logical, yet a very real thought for many people, which furthers their feeling of isolation. Everyone’s experience is different and I am sharing mine to shed some light on what worked for me. This is a positive message - you can manage this. Depression is a part of your life, not your whole life. So when it comes to supporting someone with depression there are some things that worked for me and some that didn’t. Things that did not work for me included telling me to cheer up. I would if I could! That phrase really made me feel worse because it was something I simply could not do. Telling me ‘it could always be worse’. At that moment, someone with depression may fail to see how that is possible, in addition to having their feelings invalidated. How can it get worse than being emotionally numb? People pointing out how disconnected I was. Are you even listening? You are so distracted and not engaged. True – at times early on I was like a literal space cadet. I was there but – I wasn’t there. But that only made me feel shame that I couldn’t control what was happening. This didn’t help. At all. Too many social activities. Sometimes – you just can’t. So being social was important – hearing from my buddies and family was vital – but sometimes so was just staying home. Kindness from people and kindness to myself aided my recovery. Of course, if you didn’t know I had depression, none of these things would be out of place to say.

I have a good support system but Leanne was the main person who helped and endured my experiences. Some things that worked were understanding the symptoms of what I was going through. She struggled to understand the irritability and anger I would express on times. Once I understood it, we actually went to a psychologist together so she could have questions answered by someone who was not emotionally involved. She got a better understanding of male depression, symptoms and self-care - for me and her. Things that worked for me was her showing patience, cutting me slack when I was absolutely devoid of energy or if I needed to hit the gym a little extra. I will try to get to my coping strategies in another post. She encouraged me to keep going to see a counsellor and she didn’t try to FIX my depression. It is an illness and as much as you can fix my heart disease, you can fix my depression for me. Helping me manage it was what worked. Not giving up was a key component, as irritable and difficult as I was to be around in the early days. Let’s face it – I may be no picnic at the best of times! The irony of depression is that many people force isolation by their behavior, are unable to reach out when that is what they really want and find themselves alone when they really want someone to talk to. It’s. A. Beast. But you can tame this beast and be better for yourself and those around you. I am living proof. Once you understand what is happening, the onus is on you to do what you can to work through this. Always remember, #ItsNotYouItsDepression

Happy International Men’s Day! I talk about men’s mental health and I am now sharing my own experiences because we need to do one thing in particular: redefine what it means to Be A Man. I am 48 years old and we grew up in a time when masculinity was king. As kids we were told boys don’t cry, we rubbed dirt on it, practice made perfect and if we did cry, we’d be given something to cry about.  It was such a different time than we find ourselves in now. We had Hulk Hogan, an actual Macho Man (who I loved), Rambo and Arnold to look to as role models of what men looked and acted like. We fixed cars, we used power tools and we handled our own business. The socialization that we had growing up is a prime reason why men are unable to process emotions, talk about their feelings, resist reaching out and delay seeking help when we need it. So many men my age have been competitive for so long, we have few friends to confide in and an inability to open up to those they do have. Men cannot be weak. Society has told us this time and again. As a Dad, I coached a lot. I am quite hands on and I have been very involved. But when I coached my son’s baseball team, I made the mistake of coming out of the dugout after he was hit by a pitch and saying ‘now don’t go crying’. Damn it. I knew better. But it was an automatic response that was preprogrammed into my belief system. We need to change this, as none of us are immune. We do that by gaining awareness of how we were taught to think and challenging those scripts. We do that not beating ourselves up and lowering our self-esteem. We do that by understanding that seeking help when you need it is a sign of indisputable strength, not weakness. We do that by telling our kids practice makes better but nobody is perfect. We do that by looking at where we are emotionally and deciding that we will make sure our boys have the resources to cope better. We do that by understanding this makes us better, not wimps. We do that by knowing the only power tools this guy can use are a knife and fork. And that is ok.

Be a Man. Real men can cry at the end of Rocky. Real men know that just as we can’t fix a sink without a wrench, we may not fix our mental health without the right tools. But ignoring the leak only makes it worse. Real men get help.

On this International Men’s Day let’s all - Be A Man.

#30DaysofDepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy

Picasso. Van Gough. Depression. A lot of people don’t realize how much different depression is from just being sad. Depression is a master painter and it shades almost every aspect of your life, often cutting in at the worst times. Chief among this is the negative self talk that can accompany the monster. Picture the cartoons we all watched growing up: faced with a decision to make, there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Now, picture someone with depression but imagine a devil on both shoulders. Yes, they can help you make bad coping decisions but some of the worst damage they inflict is on how you talk to yourself. Imagine going through life with the little voice inside you constantly telling you that you are a loser. No one likes you. You suck at everything. Imagine if any time you didn’t meet an expectation your own mind said ‘see, you are pathetic’. Give up. You will never succeed at anything. Imagine if every time you had an argument your mind told you the relationship was doomed. YOUR OWN MIND. This is the negative self talk that so many with depression suffer through.  People with depression often have cognitive distortions, which are patterns of thinking that are generally not accurate and they can cause major damage. Over time, as with anyone, people with depression will begin to believe what their mind is telling them. Negative thoughts and beating yourself up go with depression like a mouse to a sticky trap. Magnum PI had a little voice that was never wrong. My experience since I have had depression is that the little voice is never right. 

To battle the self talk, I have given my little voice a name – Destructo Bill. I can recognize when I am being negative – not always but getting better at it. Whenever Destructo Bill is telling me something I wouldn’t say to someone else - you are not good enough to (fill in anything here), or you don’t deserve (), you suck - I am at a point where I can say ‘piss off brain’. I look at what I have accomplished and challenge the inner voice with evidence. The problem is recognizing that your feelings may not be reality and your perpsective might have broken beer goggles. If I find myself in a pattern of negative thinking I try to change the channel. Get up and move, flick my arm – anything to change the thought pattern. Counseling can be very helpful to change these distortions and I have done that too.  People with depression beat the hell out of themselves worse than anyone else could. And eventually the negative feelings can get reinforced as the constant negative thinking, irritability and anger drives away people closest to them. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Many men suffer with undiagnosed, untreated depression and suffer in silence. Their closest family anf friends suffer along with them. This is why it is so important to get this issue out there – normalize getting help and manage this condition. It is manageble. It is treatable. You can feel better. If it seems like something has taken over your mind – it has. Depression is a MF. Don’t feed the monster, get help, because #ItsNotYouItsDepression.

#30DaysofDepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy

#Movember 23rd: The little voice that I spoke of yesterday can, over time, cause tremendous damage. Depression is a skeet– it robs you of joy, the ability to have fun, hope for any future. But one of the biggest impacts it can have is on your self-esteem. Through cognitive distortions, constantly telling you how much of a loser you are, someone who had a ton of confidence can find themselves being negative, going from confident to insecure and actually starting to hate themselves. Yeah, sadness and depression are not the same thing. A low self-esteem can make someone confident too – confident that they are not worthy of love, friends, being successful or finding happiness. The depressed mind zeros in on the negative qualities and reinforces them over time. This is why it is so important to seek help early. From an individual aspect, one can imagine the impact this has on all aspects of the life of someone with depression. If you start to believe you do not deserve anything good in life, you stop trying. Never mind the fact you will push everyone away, you no longer have motivation to accomplish anything. Why would you? You suck and will never succeed anyway. Why try? Low self-esteem causes people to question themselves constantly, question social interactions and worry about making mistakes. Kind words rarely help. It’s just trying to sell hope to the hopeless. So from an employer’s point of view, you can imagine having an employee who has depression, low self-esteem and having no idea the person is battling an invisible illness. You see, low self-esteem can also make you very sensitive to any criticism, even constructive criticism. So while an employee battles depression, it can appear that he/she is an asshole. Because nobody knows that you are struggling with the monster. You can see negative impacts on your employment due to depression, especially as it progresses. The earlier you get help, the less deep your negative beliefs are and the easier it is to challenge them and change them.

For me, anyone who knows me knows confidence was never an issue. Hell, some might say I had some asshole in me before I had depression. Shut it! But when depression came calling, I found myself questioning everything. I had to be perfect, I didn’t take feedback well and I started to doubt my own self-worth. ME. I would face the devil and feel sorry for what was about to happen to him. And yet there I was full of self- doubt, believing I didn’t measure up and lacking any type of motivation. Work didn’t matter because it was pointless. Exercise didn’t matter. No one loved me. Nothing I could do made any difference so why would I do anything? But I realized something was off and after the outbursts of anger and irritability were pointed out to me as signs of depression I thought this was no way to live – so I had to make a choice on how to proceed. I chose help. Admittedly, I was very reluctant at the beginning, as I was supposed to be stronger than that. The very fact I needed help at the beginning reinforced what depression was telling me – I was a loser who couldn’t handle my own business. ‘See – told ya so’ said my brain all the way to my first counselling appointment. Through some medications, lifestyle adjustments and – get this – talking - I am able to challenge the negativity when the thoughts creep back. I changed my mindset and I focus on the positive. Again, I’m not perfect but I don’t need to be. I challenge the negative scripts with evidence to the contrary – high school accomplishments, MUN wrestling medals, completing education, scholarships, a loving wife, a couple of great kids, a wonderful family. That time I wrestled my very first varsity match against a guy who looked like he was chiseled from stone – and I pinned him. Confident Bill and Destructo Bill are polar opposites, as Destructo Bill would have lost as soon as he walked into the gym in New Brunswick. My point is that we have all have our successes and the future is very hopeful. You have to search in yourself and challenge those thoughts that come with depression with YOUR history. YOUR positives. Remember that time you … Talk to your doctor. Talk to a counsellor. Get help to change your mindset. Depression is a beast but it is not chiseled from stone either. You can pin depression, feel hopeful and enjoy life again. Trust me. When you feel like you are punching yourself in the gut, stop hitting yourself and always remember #ItsNotYouItsDepression.

#30DaysofDepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy

Once again, I debated this post but I wanted to touch on a topic that has impacted so many of us – suicide. Recently from family members to a high school classmate, we have realized that suicide can affect any of us – or our kids. This is not an easy topic obviously but something I think I need to shed some light on. I will give MY perspective on this. Please note that not everyone with depression has suicidal thoughts, and not everyone with depression will attempt or complete suicide. But some do, and some will.  Suicidal ideation can also come with other mental health issues, not just depression. If you have any thoughts of suicide I will list the link for Help lines in Newfoundland and Labrador below.
The Dept. of Health and Human Services in the US says ‘having major depression does increase suicide risk compared to people without depression. The risk of death by suicide may, in part, be related to the severity of the depression.’ They also note that 7% of men with a lifetime history of depression will die by suicide and 1% of women. All suicides are tragic but the completion rates of men due to not seeking help, then utilizing more lethal means – guns and death by hanging – are stark.
This goes in line with what I have been saying this month – we need to get help. Early. The longer you allow depression to take root, the worse the outcomes can be. But due to our socialization, men find it so very hard to ask for help. We have to battle the stigma of not being strong enough to handle our own business and then the stigma that accompanies mental health itself. Have men been privileged throughout history? Of course. But that does not mean that we are not vulnerable too. And when it comes to our mental health we couldn’t be more vulnerable. 

As I discussed earlier, depression can cause cognitive distortions making processing difficult. This can also make solutions to problems much harder to see – or believe they even exist. Now, couple this with the isolation depression can make you feel – alone in a room full of people or alone because your anger and irritability has driven those around you away. This is a recipe for a bad outcome. All while you smile on the outside. Now, add to that recipe two devils on your shoulders that point at one way to end the pain. One way out. The only option for you. This is what depression can do if you let it take over. I firmly believe some people succumb to mental illness – they didn’t take their own lives, depression did, just as cancer has for so many people. 

Why do I feel like that? Spoiler alert – my experience. Robin Williams. Anthony Bourdain. Wade Belak. Did anyone see these suicides coming? When I was in the grips of depression I didn’t know what was happening. Gradually morphing into a different guy, angry, irritated, I can imagine I was a pleasure to be around. Then it happened. Suicidal ideation. Seemingly out of nowhere, I had thoughts of death. At first I would give my head a shake and move on but the feelings, as the depression grew worse, got stronger. They got to a point where any time I thought about doing anything challenging – a project, weight loss, a course – the devils on my shoulder would put thoughts of ending my life in my head. Automatically. It was not only scary but immensely frustrating. Again, let me reiterate that I have always thought of myself as physically tough. Mentally tough. Assertive and in control. And now all of a sudden I have these thoughts invading my head if I looked to move forward in any capacity. I never told people about this, as it came along about the same time my depressive symptoms were being pointed out to me. But it was the last straw – I knew something was seriously wrong. And I needed to get some help to fix it. My brain was working against me and I was under attack. I let depression get its hooks in me, and it was taking me to an ending that no one saw coming. I had to make a choice and yes, it was hard – with shame, guilt and weakness all playing a role in chipping away at my self-esteem for not being strong enough to deal with it myself, with an inner voice telling me I was a loser. But I decided that if anything was taking me out, it wouldn’t be without a fight. I got help, the tools I needed to feel better and then acquired the knowledge to help others that might encounter the same thing. As I manage depression, I don’t get to the point of suicidal ideation anymore. I deal with it early. It’s funny, when we watched the movie Venom – I thought how much Venom taking over the host was like depression. A different entity that we need to put in its place. A voice they can’t see. A bully in your own mind.
If you think someone is contemplating suicide, ASK. Ask them. It is an uncomfortable conversation - but it starts the conversation. You can look for some of the signs of suicide at https://www.canada.ca/.../suicide.../warning-signs.html along with other helpful information. Crisis and help lines can be found at Help Lines - Health and Community Services (gov.nl.ca)

I shared this post to shed a light on my experience. It may not be the same for everyone but I expect like the other posts, many share this experience. We need to reach men early and men it is ok to ask for help. Again – you don’t need to share on social media – just see your doctor and go from there. You would get a cast on a broken leg. Stents in a clogged artery. Antibiotics for strep throat. There is help for your mental health too. With the behavior changes, the sadness, the inability to move forward and these prevailing thoughts that creep in, you have to remember, #ItsNotYouItsDepression.
https://www.gov.nl.ca/hcs/findhealthservices/helplines/
#30DaysofDepression
#WeAllKnowAGuy

#Movember 23rd: The little voice that I spoke of yesterday can, over time, cause tremendous damage. Depression is a skeet– it robs you of joy, the ability to have fun, hope for any future. But one of the biggest impacts it can have is on your self-esteem. Through cognitive distortions, constantly telling you how much of a loser you are, someone who had a ton of confidence can find themselves being negative, going from confident to insecure and actually starting to hate themselves. Yeah, sadness and depression are not the same thing. A low self-esteem can make someone confident too – confident that they are not worthy of love, friends, being successful or finding happiness. The depressed mind zeros in on the negative qualities and reinforces them over time. This is why it is so important to seek help early. From an individual aspect, one can imagine the impact this has on all aspects of the life of someone with depression. If you start to believe you do not deserve anything good in life, you stop trying. Never mind the fact you will push everyone away, you no longer have motivation to accomplish anything. Why would you? You suck and will never succeed anyway. Why try? Low self-esteem causes people to question themselves constantly, question social interactions and worry about making mistakes. Kind words rarely help. It’s just trying to sell hope to the hopeless. So from an employer’s point of view, you can imagine having an employee who has depression, low self-esteem and having no idea the person is battling an invisible illness. You see, low self-esteem can also make you very sensitive to any criticism, even constructive criticism. So while an employee battles depression, it can appear that he/she is an asshole. Because nobody knows that you are struggling with the monster. You can see negative impacts on your employment due to depression, especially as it progresses. The earlier you get help, the less deep your negative beliefs are and the easier it is to challenge them and change them.

For me, anyone who knows me knows confidence was never an issue. Hell, some might say I had some asshole in me before I had depression. Shut it! But when depression came calling, I found myself questioning everything. I had to be perfect, I didn’t take feedback well and I started to doubt my own self-worth. ME. I would face the devil and feel sorry for what was about to happen to him. And yet there I was full of self- doubt, believing I didn’t measure up and lacking any type of motivation. Work didn’t matter because it was pointless. Exercise didn’t matter. No one loved me. Nothing I could do made any difference so why would I do anything? But I realized something was off and after the outbursts of anger and irritability were pointed out to me as signs of depression I thought this was no way to live – so I had to make a choice on how to proceed. I chose help. Admittedly, I was very reluctant at the beginning, as I was supposed to be stronger than that. The very fact I needed help at the beginning reinforced what depression was telling me – I was a loser who couldn’t handle my own business. ‘See – told ya so’ said my brain all the way to my first counselling appointment. Through some medications, lifestyle adjustments and – get this – talking - I am able to challenge the negativity when the thoughts creep back. I changed my mindset and I focus on the positive. Again, I’m not perfect but I don’t need to be. I challenge the negative scripts with evidence to the contrary – high school accomplishments, MUN wrestling medals, completing education, scholarships, a loving wife, a couple of great kids, a wonderful family. That time I wrestled my very first varsity match against a guy who looked like he was chiseled from stone – and I pinned him. Confident Bill and Destructo Bill are polar opposites, as Destructo Bill would have lost as soon as he walked into the gym in New Brunswick. My point is that we have all have our successes and the future is very hopeful. You have to search in yourself and challenge those thoughts that come with depression with YOUR history. YOUR positives. Remember that time you … Talk to your doctor. Talk to a counsellor. Get help to change your mindset. Depression is a beast but it is not chiseled from stone either. You can pin depression, feel hopeful and enjoy life again. Trust me. When you feel like you are punching yourself in the gut, stop hitting yourself and always remember #ItsNotYouItsDepression.

#30DaysofDepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy

Friday seems like a great place to end #Movember so this will be the last post. Who knows, maybe I will continue to write in a blog or something as the feedback has been so positive and from the messages I continue to receive, it has been extremely helpful to a lot of people – men suffering in silence and significant others looking to understand. And that was the goal - so thanks for the support.

I will end the #30Daysof Depression with some words on self-care. This is such an important aspect of managing this beast. Self-care is just that- you do you. Sounds easy and logical but the lack of executive functioning I talked about earlier actually makes self-care difficult for many with depression. It can affect things like reasoning, planning and WILLPOWER. See how this could go off the rails when you turn to unhealthy coping strategies? It doesn’t mean you are lazy or weak, it means you are battling. When I have an infection, I am tired. When I am tired I know something is wrong. When you understand what you are dealing with, you can identify some of the symptoms and manage this thing to reduce its impact. And that is where we need to be – managing this illness and using positive coping mechanisms to help us. Use your tools lads! 

In my experience, you need to start slow. For some people, the severity of the depression will make a difference on where you start. Catching an episode early makes a difference. Being able to have a shower, get dressed then get to the couch. Please be kind to yourself. Knowing the devils will have their mouths going, understand that progress is moving forward. Any progress. Ladder those successes into making yourself coffee, going for a walk. You will realize as the symptoms begin to reduce, you will be able to do more. When I had a heart attack, I walked to the neighbor’s house. Then further. Then further. Depression needs to be treated as any other illness or medical issue. Period. It has been my experience that, counter to how it should be, how I FEEL is the last thing to change. If I start making progress, I will feel better. If I wait to feel better it may be quite a while and may get worse. You have to first understand what is happening and then move forward. Do what YOU can. Ask for help when you need it. Routine will become your friend with self-care and it has to be a priority. Explain that to those around you as it is just like taking medication for me. If I am not taking care of myself – I simply cannot take care of those I love. You get me?

I have been asked many times during Movember what I do to manage this. Depression is a beast but we can tame it. I realized early how important self-care was. My kids were young and I needed to ensure my depression didn’t cause them issues – I didn’t ask for this, but it was my job to manage it. I realized that sometimes – DAD needed a time out. I started with a routine of going to the gym. But before I would work out, I got a coffee and sat outside the gym in the comfy chairs in the mall and I read a book. Self-help books mostly so I could understand what the hell was going on. I still go to the gym regularly. Dopamine is often in short supply in many with depression so I try to do things that boost this neurotransmitter. Exercise is a key component and the number of guys I have spoken to since the lockdowns who realized how important working out was to their mental health has been eye opening. I eat more protein, and eat healthier in general. I am a night owl by nature, but I have started having Dad naps to ensure I have enough sleep. I listen to music often. I try to laugh as much as I can – put on a stand-up comedian, watch a comedy – laughter can raise dopamine and can make you chuckle, even if you can’t laugh. I started having baths in the nights. I take my phone in the bath with me and put on a show or a hockey game. I try to stay with a routine as best I can and I recognize the difference of a routine and a rut. A routine is helping me manage – a rut needs to be changed. If I find myself skipping workouts, watching more tv and just not being active – I change the rut. Hard I know – but a necessary component of self-care and a preventative strategy. When I need them, I will use antidepressants and talking is my friend. However, social media itself is not always a great place for people in general, but especially for those with depression. Seeing how wonderful everyone else is doing just feeds the devils and as we all know, is usually not accurate. Limit your time on social media and follow helpful, positive accounts. Depression gravitates towards the negative so change the channel. Challenge those negative thoughts with your own successes and tell the inner voice to piss off. Takes some work to get to that point, but you can get there. And it feels good to train a dragon.

So that’s it – that’s depression for me. It is not what I would have liked to have to work with, but life doesn’t always give us what we want – so we deal with it. I offer these posts as a hopeful, optimistic story that depression can be a part of your life and doesn’t mean you can’t have a life full of positives, happy times, goals and accomplishments. I offered what works for me – but what works for you may be different. This is a framework for managing this illness and I hope many of you who need the help see this:  even Superman has his Kryptonite – but he is still the man of steel. 

#itsnotyouitsdepression

#WeAllKnowAGuy